Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
