just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
