mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
