I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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