It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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