I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
