glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
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