You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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