12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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