you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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