Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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