Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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