when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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