she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
