I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
