I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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