Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
