My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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