Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
