he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
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