my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
