New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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