Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
