I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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