:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
