Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
