What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
