she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
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