I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
