3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
