I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize