You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
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