My entire life is one complicated drinking game
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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