Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize