I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
