Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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