we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
