i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
