the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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