You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
