my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
