I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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