She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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