Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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