My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
