If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
