listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
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