Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
