How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
