I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
