I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
