I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
