I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
