I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
