The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize