my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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