She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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