i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
