Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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