I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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