just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
