I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
