remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
