Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
